Shhhhh! I began a secret love affair with elastic after trying on my first pair of maternity pants. I only reluctantly stopped wearing them, apprehensive about appearing perpetually pregnant.
Along came the years of comfortable jeans. I never ventured into the world of sweatpants, noooo sir, for fear I would never come back. I knew that for me, sweatpants would lead me down the path of No Return. They are like the marijuana of clothes, leading eventually to house-slippers, dirty ponytails, and tube-tops for hard-core dressers. I knew my weaknesses all too well. I had to “just say no.”
One day I had a resolution to exercise. My biggest hurdle was the all important question, “What am I going to wear?”
It was then that I discovered yoga pants. They changed my life.
It was like wearing elastic from the waist down. Enough control to calm the jiggle of cellulite, enough stretch to not constrict. Perfection in pants to create an outward transformation. Without one single leg-lift or squat I at once created the aura of exercise. I found what I had looked for my whole life: The illusion of health. Who needs the gym?
But more than comfort, there was also an inner transformation. I became NINJA MOM. Dressed completely in black, I could move with serpentine ease through the grocery aisles. Chase a runaway cart? No problem! Perspiration armpit rings just added to the mystique of the hard-body illusion. The kid throwing up in the backseat? Just a cover for my secret mission.
So, if you see me somewhere out there in my yoga pants, be aware that in my uber-confidence I may be lost in thought and unaware of my environment, but that’s OK, ’cause at least I’ll look good.